I Am Disappointing

2 Questions

“Have you found joy in your life?”

“Has your life brought joy to others?"

Sir Ian

Good Advice

"It's never going to be over, so stop waiting for the good stuff. As of now, spend a minimum of one hour a day doing whatever you are waiting to do until your finances are more secure, or until the children have grown and left home, or until you have finished your obligations and you feel free to do what you really want to do. Don't wait any longer. Don't believe in the myth of "one day when everything will be different." Do what you love to do, what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, now."

Elephant Ass

I could talk for a half hour about this clip, or you could ask me what I'm searching for on youtube.

Birthday

Today is my birthday.

I just finished Steve Martin's autobiography.

This means something to me.

Clothes Horse Outtake (This Rules)

These guys are fantastic. They made our movie sooooo good. Here's a take where we let them loose.

Clothes Horse Video

Watch more here

Trust me

While it's in theaters.

Pre-production 3

5 days til we shoot. Can you feel it?

Pre-production 2

We have a movie. It's going to be fantastic.

All we need now is free food to feed people.

On Pre-Production. Sort of.

Making a movie is an amazing thing. You should try it.

I'll share something.

Sometimes in the beginning you can get so lost in the scramble you don't stop to look up. Balls deep in emails, text messages, and trying to make the pieces fit.

I'm taking classes at coldtowne theater and one of their phrases is "improv is life". Wait. Maybe it's "improv is everything". Hold. See, now I think it's something else. Either way you should check out coldtowne.

What was I saying? Movies, ok. The point was that "movies are life" and "everything is everything". Perhaps if I would have payed more attention in class and "applied myself" instead of making people laugh, I would have the ability to articulate my thoughts on this matter. I know, I 'll use a movie quote:

"Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Here's what I'm saying:

Take a step back.

Remember to breathe.

Enjoy the things that matter.

Owen Wilson is Totally Fine and Happy

Artist on Artist: Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson

Add to My Profile | More Videos

What a day.

From a really shitty start, something beautiful has occurred.

Damn, I'm eloquent.

Austin Chronicle Bacheloser Ad

Starring the amazingly funny Alan Metoskie

Sex Doctor Sings

Clip from something we shot with the fantastically talented Jason Newman a while back.

Do you have this?

Working on a movie and need to borrow:

an old cooler





















lawn chairs




















an 8 track player

a sprinkler

Let me know if you have any of these things and you can be my hero.

I'd only need the stuff for a few days.

Thanks

What song is this?

I know it's Octopus Project, but what is the name of the track?

I told you so...

Congrats to Coldtowne for earning an award from the Austin Chronicle.

They deserve continued success, wealth and happiness.

Did I mention they're fucking hysterical?

Best Comedy Troupe: ColdTowne
What do you get when a bunch of displaced NOLA kids start doing improv locally, gaining enough exposure and word-of-mouth to turn the ever-empty Space in to something useful: a place to laugh? You get ColdTowne, changing tragedy into comedy, their fate into a movement of laughter, right here in our lucky town. No one could ever be grateful for Katrina, but our readers are very grateful for ColdTowne coming to our town.
4803 Airport, 524-2807 Coldtowne

Quote

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing"
-Helen Keller

Hand Vagina (sorry mom)

Fantastic Website

SFW

Things I've Learned

1)Never cook shirtless

Free Fun

I've been taking improv classes at Coldtowne and LOVE them.

They're having a free class to show you how much fun it is.


I HIGHLY recommend it.

Info here

Steve Martin Infomercial

This American Laugh

First of all, I'd like to point out how clever this blog post title is. On so many levels, you know?

If you've heard "this american life" before, you will laugh at this clip.
If you've heard this clip before and didn't laugh, please delete my number.

 

Last Day

Today is my last day at my current job.

Tonight's preview:

Paris on Letterman

Letterman should do more of this:

Three more days.

I have three more work days at my current job. Usually, I'm a little nervous when I quit a job. Thoughts of whether or not I made the right decision run through my head.


Not this time.

Meet Marlon Brando

This is a short and amazing doc by Albert & David Maysles.

Colin Farrell Interviewed

What are your childhood dreams?

What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance?

For Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch, the question isn't rhetorical -- he's dying of cancer.

Jeff Zaslow narrates a video on Prof. Pausch's final lecture.


Full version here (It's over an hour):

If I were President:

1)Houseflies would be renamed Outsideflies
2)Spiderwebs would glow and smell like vanilla
3)The educational system would actually educate

What would you do?

Are you connected? Or need a couch?

We're raising money for our next film and are in need of donations for our silent auction.

Do you work at a restaurant that will donate dinner for 2? Can your boyfriend get us tickets to a show? Will your cousin steam clean someone's three bedroom duplex?

Please email us if you have any connections.

Also, we hope everyone can come out to our event. More details soon.

Thanks for your support.

PepperIslandFilms@gmail.com

One more thing. We're selling the couch. Interested?
http://austin.craigslist.org/fur/424421193.html

Odenkirk Pitches

How to Podcast

Do you want to learn more about podcasting? Are you dying to find out about podcasts?

Then, click here
or
Subscribe in iTunes

Home Made Slide

What have you done lately to have fun?

Turtle Soup

Happy Monkey

It writes itself...

Baby Laughing

If you don't laugh at this, we can't hang.

Thank you Ms Noone

The Goof

From the hilarious movie The Ten

Goldblum on Conan

I love romance.

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina

I heard she's into smart funny guys.

I.A.L. Diamond

I guess it never stops.

Comedy Men From Tomorrow

Tickle my ass with a feather, why don't you. My dreams look like this.

Comedy Men From Tomorrow

Add to My Profile | More Videos

More kids with lemons

The Michael Showalter Showalter with Andy Samberg

Prison is Fun

Kayne West - Can't tell me nothing

Steve Martin Magic

Zodiac

This is one of the best movies I've seen recently.

Back in Baby's Arms

Find the Pattern and WIN!

Krumping - Matrix Style!

Does football excite you?

Zach on Kimmel

Find me the whole version and I'll be your friend.

Neil Hamburger on Kimmel

SXSW Comedy Panel

Soft Shoe

It's back online, so stop bothering me.

Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis on Jimmy Kimmel - 1/31/07

Add to My Profile | More Videos

John Stamos has severe "Jet Lag"

I can't fix the aspect ratio and it's making me mental.

Nick Swardson on Jimmy Kimmel Live 4-9-07

He's funny.

Chevy Chase Deserves a Second Chance.

Do you remember?

Jon and Jon tickle my fancy.

Baby Pranks

My Brother

I rarely get personal on this here deal, but:

My brother is awesome.

He's moving in just a few short weeks and I already feel myself missing him. I feel incredibly lucky to have a brother who I get along with and can hang out with.

He's the only person in the world who can really understand certain things about me and for that I'm truly grateful.

He rules.











Thanks for everything bro.

Wes Anderson's Amex Ad

I've watched this a million times and still love it.

H. Jon on JF Kerry

Baby tries a lemon.

This is a metaphor for my relationship with booze.

New Showalter

He's a genius.

Funny Work Prank

I can't stop laughing at this. I'm very mature.

Norm Is Funny

Wait for it...

Goals

Tough Crowd

Hey Now

Lil Hunter

Buy me a Backyard

I Love This

John Ford Loves to Talk

Small Dog, Big Heart

Steve Martin is A Funny Fellow

Breakfast

Drunk Cat

Correct Test Answer?

Fuck a Duck

Easy joke, I know.

It's what you think...

And you thought you had shitty toys.

Pizza the Hut jr.

BREAKdancer

Score.

Another Vs.

Turtle Vs Cat


Karate Cow Vs Badly dressed guy

Another great dad.

The story's here,if you haven't heard.

I'm back.

Where did I go?

Pictures to follow as soon as I figure out how to work the camera.

John Goodman hates this.

Spider Mobile - Voiture araignee
Uploaded by sebest

Stop the Madness

Ever felt like doing this?

All you have is 4 minutes for this topic?

Alec Baldwin is a bad father?

There's nothing smirky about this, it's just pathetic.

A voice mail Alec left for his 11 year old daughter.

Is Peter Sellers Funny?

Bobby G

Try Vacuuming

Bam.

What makes YOU laugh?

Will Ferrell Abuses Children?

The Bird

Basketball courts for birds. That's niche.

Cocks Hate Fighting

Vonnegut on Writing Short Stories

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Reportedly from Bagombo Snuff Box

Below this sentence is a video.

2 Ways to Cure a Hangover

I posted earlier about a hangover cure.

We have breaking news.



There's something better.



Hangover prevention.

Friday night me and my boys went to a gala.



We took Zeo brand hangover pills, now with witchcraft.

We drank and made merriment.

We woke up WITHOUT a trace of a hangover.

I promise.

The company's site.

Fistacuffs

I got in a fight with my boss.

Two Things

1) Mice are stupid
2) Did you know this occurs?

Do you hate Squirrels?

Hmmm.

Everyday I meditate.

It's takes around 20 minutes. Sometimes, I fall asleep during this time. Sometimes.
Today I lied down at 8pm for my 20 minutes and got up feeling rested.
I grabbed my over-sized cell phone to check the time. 1:30am.

Hmmm.


Since there is nothing really smirky© about the above, I give you this.

Be Different.

Have you ever?

A few weeks ago I watched Primal Fear























Today I watched Elevator to the Gallows






















What do these have in common?

I had already watched them, but didn't realize it until the very end of the movie.

Let me make this clear.

I watched the movie.
I forgot I watched the movie.
I watched the movie again.

I did this twice.


So, the next we meet and I don't remember your name don't feel bad.

The best thing ever.

This works, I swear. I discovered these tasty lil miracles while on location for a movie. Try them. The next morning you will be glad you spent the 8 bucks.

Waste Valuable Office Time

Addictive

Mischa, Build Me This.

Come on, Please?
I built you this:



I'll act surprised when I open it.

Vs

O'Reilly Vs Geraldo




Cat Vs Printer


"Cats like to eat asparagus"

Mad Scientists

Voodoo I tell you. Voodoo.
Amazing

101 ways to Earn more cash

Live a little

Girl power

Clever girl

Eye Tunes

I woke up to discover that I was sleeping on my ipod. My face was mushed into my ipod. Rise and shine.

Take a Leap

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.
Ray Bradbury
Author of more than 500 literary works

Easing the stress of wiping with newspaper

The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

If only it were an hour

Kick my ask

Yin and Yang

Showalter Lost His Mojo?

Here are some completely not funny interviews. You should download them to your ipod device.



Edition #16: Sex, Drugs, and Comedy with Michael Showalter

Edition #20: "That's It?!? But we didn't talk about anything!" with Michael Showalter

Edition #21: "I love the Stone Age!" with Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black

Edition #22: "Banter is Competitive" with Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black

Do you want to be my friend?

You love it?

This is the latest rage, all the playground is abuzz. Is abuzz a word?



My preference is more:

Events

Is there anybody out there?

Friday, Apr 6, 6pm
Blanton Museum of Art
($5 members/$10 nonmembers)

On the first Friday of every month the Blanton is open from 6-11pm for a happening night of art, libations, and live music by Austin bands and performers! Tickets are available at the museum.

007 Funniest Person in Austin Contest
Monday, Apr 16, 8pm
Cap City Comedy Club
Hosted by John Ramsey, Winner 2005

FPIA preliminary rounds will be held Mondays in April and May at 8pm. Admission is $5. Free if you are me.

Viral Video

As you know I only like viral videos about animals. I love videos about two animals. And, I really dig videos about a pelican eating a duck.


Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

My Heat

The comedian Jim Gaffigan has a joke about seeing the movie Heat. if you haven't heard it, you should heard it right quick.

Well, Me and You and Everyone We Know is my heat.



If you know me, please bring up this movie in conversation.
If you don't know me, please don't bring up anything in conversation. Why are you talking to me? Are you trying to sell me something? I'm not interested. I said no.

Also, buy me the unpurchasable script and send me cash money.

Make it a good one.

SXSW day 5- end

I don't have notes for these days.

You can't control me.

sxsw Day 4

-late start
-party passes
-kurt cobain
nap
-megan's phonecall
-bus ride
-sitting with craig's mom
-guest list
-success
-booze

sxsw Day 3

-the ten panel
-lounge
-trade show
-swag is
-books
-surpise interview with the boys cell phone
-elrod's back
-wish I had a camera
-was gonna see 'pretty in the face' but rain led me to 'soul'
-food/anish
-hannah'
jack, tiff and pat kat, steve, lee, etc
-jesus - standing o
-the bar on craigs porch never closes.

SXSW Day 2 (More Famous People)

-morning spent recovering
-megan came over expo
-the 10
-skills
-rj at man dissant
-bus ride home

SXSW DAY 1 (you never guess who I saw)

Here's the deal. I intended on doing a sxsw day by day series of posts. I also intended on being a millionaire with my first business at age 10. I guess I should have washed more cars. So goes it. I did manage to make a couple of notes for the purpose of turning into posts, however I have no idea what they mean. So, instead you get the notes.

-worked crazy rearrange
-picked up badge inside the filmmaker's lounge
-meditated
-bus
-fox n hound
-saw paul rudd, david borianas, alan cummings, morgan sporlock,
-got drunk, ran out of booze
-lavaca
-cab

How I finally got a family heirloom

There has always been this desire in me and it was finally fulfilled.

I always wanted a family heirloom. Even though I knew nothing about them. In fact, until about 9 seconds ago I thought they were family "airlooms". I swear. Thank you spellcheck.

Today, on the way to pickup the heirloom, I had my first banana split . After complaining for the 17th time of pain, I asked my girlfriend how everyone chewed ice cream without it sending a shooting jolt into their soul. She looked at me like I was loony, then informed me that no one chews ice cream. She told me that you are supposed to swirl it around with your tongue until the ice cream dissolves. The teeth weren't involved. I guess sometimes we're all slow learners.

What other food am I eating incorrectly? If you know, please post a comment and let me know.

As a child, I had this idea that I would wake up one day and someone would present me with "it". And, I would slowly open the old scratched up cigar box and feast my eyes on it. The thing that was my great great great great great grandfather's and had been passed down from generation to generation. "Be careful with it" My mother would say. This was your great great great great great grandfather Davie's thing. Then, my mother would tell me a story about my hypothetical relative named Davie.

A tale about how Davie group up in a time where life was hard, but the people were good. The days were long, but life was short. Or some such nonsense.

But, the above fantasy never happened. My father's mother (Maw-Maw) has given me endless amazing gifts. One notable gift was the pocket knife that belonged to her father. If I had a digital camera I'd post a picture of it here, so instead here's an artist's rendering:








Beyond material gift's I'm truly grateful to know her and have a relationship with her as an adult. She's 83 and kicks ass. She not only bowls WAY better than me, but she uses a heavier ball. I have no camera so here's a sketch of her ball:





Back to the deal.

Long story short. (waited to long to blog and forgot the rest). My awesome Aunt Mel offered to give me the bedroom set that belonged to my mother's father.

It's a really awesome set. Again, I don't have a digital camera so here's a similar set:



This is so frustrating. Will someone just buy me a digital camera? Here's the one I want:

Which is the Most Interesting?

I have a favorite. What's yours?

Below, are some clips of Ira Glass talking. I don't care if you like/dislike or have heard of/never heard of him. Watch them. There's gold in them there hills.

Number 1:


Number 2:


Number 17:


Number 17 1/2 :



If you are curious, his radio show is called This American Life

The new TV show is on Showtime.

And, the last plug for Ira Glass, is the trailer for the new show:

8 Tips on Losing Customers - Part One

What follows will shock you. Literally. Literally.

My friend and filmmaking partner Elrod was having a bbq on Saturday Feb 24, like every red blooded American does on that day (rest in peace Don Knotts). Not a party, but a chillin and grillin good time. Keep in mind it was also a celebration of Craig's birthday. Not a party. Nothing crazy. So, in order to prepare for the easy going evening we did what everyone does.

We went to club HEB, aka the grocery, and bought burgers, franks, wings, and 500 party cups. We got the off brand, as Solo comfort grip cups were way out of our price range. Our cheap hands were just going to have to be less comfy. Very routine. Then, we did the next logical thing.

We went to the booze dealer.

Since the evening was just a few friends hanging out and eating wienies (not a party), we bought the largest size of Jagermeister they sold. Mostly because it came with a free prize.

A super neato free pump that shoots out exactly one shot of the brown goodness. If you aren't familiar with Jagermeister, it's hard to describe.

I think my mother said it best when she said "Jager make you crazy". It's basically poison.

We got home and unloaded the trunk. I grabbed a few bags of groceries and the paper bag containing the largest bottle of Jager ever made (and the free pump). I turned and heard the crash that reverberated around the block. I froze. Robert and Craig turned and looked at me. Their faces had an expression of knowing mixed with concern.

"What was that?" Craig asked.
"The sound of dreams dying" I told him.

Robert, Craig and I stood in a circle around a wet spot in the driveway. We had a moment of silence.

At our feet, was our good friend the ridiculously huge Jager bottle (with a free pump). The old boy had grown too big for his paper bag britches, ripping through and falling onto the cement below.

He laid there, bleeding his oh so deliciously disgusting brown liquid fun which surrounded his broken shell. A tear from Craig's eye slowly rolled down his cheek and dropped onto the corpse of the recently departed.

From around the corner, an Indian boy riding a mini show horse named Delilah stopped to see what has happened. He played us a song on his jew's harp and sold Robert a bouquet of flowers. They were really pretty.

Ignore that last paragraph. Craig's tears turned into anger and he starting yelling and flipping off the paper bag. The Indian boy took Robert's hand. Craig proclaimed that it was the liquor store's fault. Why put a gallon of death juice in a bag that can't support the weight? I slowly nodded then, I agreed.

"Fuck that, it is their fault" I said.
"Let's go get a refund" Craig said.
"We might have to take a picture" I said. In case the manager thought we were running the old Jager fell out the bag scam, aka The Jersey Slip n Sip.

I called the liquor store:

"Hi, I was just in a few minutes ago and bought a bottle of Jager the size of a sun fish (with a free pump) and it just fell out the bottom the bag and broke. Should we take a picture or.."
"You held it from the top. You gotta hold it from the bottom!" The manager angrily, interrupted.
"Well, I've never heard that"

The above interaction repeated about 4 times. Each time the dickhead kept getting more and more huffy, while I was getting more and more confused. I was getting the feeling that he was going to screw us.

"You know, we're pretty regular customers and..." (sorry mom)
"I'm not going to argue with you sir" He shouted. "Bring me the broken bottle and your receipt and I'll replace it. I always like it when people call me sir, but are yelling at the top of their lungs. I felt relieved, but then it occurred to me that we had paid cash and didn't have a receipt. Thus, no proof of purchase. I told the nice man this bit of info and he replied that he had to have a receipt to give to the distributor and hung up. What a dick.
Robert offered to put away the wieners and party cups, so we could take off in hot pursuit of justice. He's a good egg.

On the way, Craig and I discussed, or bitched, about how much customer service has gone the way of the dodo. Think about it, you can't go into a store and ask for help or get answers. No one knows anything. No one cares. Why would they? Most companies don't pay enough dollars or respect to their employees. It's true. Let me step down from my soapbox, because I have so much soap, it comes in boxes. I'm very clean.

Anywho, upon entering the store, I got in line and Craig got another huge bottle of pain go bye bye juice. When we reached dickhead, the manager, the first thing I said was that I never intended on arguing with him. Which was my attempt at calming his bald ass down. Well, this only piss him off more. Perhaps, if I would have spit on his penny loafers and called him a stupid mick, he would have treated us nicely. Perhaps. But my mother taught me better. She taught me to speak to Jager dealers with nice manners. And I did. Not once did I put my elbows on the counter.

The muttering prick kept repeating the bit about how your supposed to hold the bag from the bottom as if it was common knowledge. If it is, please tell me in the comments section. Or mail me a paper bag. I forget what exactly was said here, (some exchange about how we didn't have a receipt from 17 minutes ago) but I do know how it ended. He noticed Craig was holding a new bottle of Jager and saw me dangling my bag of broken promises.

He grabbed the bottle from Craig.

Snatched the sack of broken glass from me.

Then SHOVED the new Jager back at Craig, as he SCREAMED (I swear) "TAKE THIS AND JUST GET..GET"

We did. We got.

I didn't think anyone, besides Mr. Wilson, says "get", as in "beat it". I also thought you could hold a bag from the top, so what do I know.

Craig suggested that we write the company a letter. And I suggest you do the same. The alleged store:

TWIN LIQUORS # 7
1000 E. 41st St.
Austin, TX 78751
Phone: (512) 451-7400
Email: store7@twinliquors.com

My new fav:
http://www.specsonline.com/
They give a %5 discount if you pay with Cash or debit card.

Here's the kicker: We lost the free pump.

I put it in the bag of glass and Craig didn't grab a bottle with one.

So, please hold it from the bottom.

If you like this blog, let me know by giving me my all-time favorite thing- an Amazon gift certificate. My email is krilov@gmail.com Click here!

Which celebrity lost their mind? (it's not Britney Spears)

Dearest readership,

[Disclaimer:
I love commas. Not in the way a bored rich white man "loves" wine, but in the way a man loves another man with his mouth. No, wait, that's not right. Sorry mom.

I love commas, like they were my very own purchased brown child. Hack. Sorry Craig.

Anyway, I love commas as if they were paying me every time I used them. And, I love money. It's in my blood. Actually, half in it. Well, not in it, but you know what I mean. Sorry Dad.

The point:
I have no idea, how to use a comma. If, I whilst writing, annually, there is a pause in the sentence, in the voice, in my head, I use a comma. Sorry. That's the way it is. So, fuck you MLA. Somebody make me a bumper stick that says: Fuck you, MLA. Or something more clever.

And, since I'm being "real", I can't spell, read, or talk (out loud) as well as the other boys and girls. I'm a school drop-out. Grad-school. That's a lie.

The second point:
Don't judge me.]

What follows is an extremely fascinating story full of twists, turns, and other ideas of what to do with nipples. But, seriously folks try the veal.

Last night, I went to a stand-up comedy show with an ex-friend. I'll call him Tim Ramsey. He's been dubbed an ex-friend since I haven't spoken to, or hung with him in months. I like the guy, I think he's funny, and I hope he finds happiness. It's just one of those things.

Holy brownie batter, I blew my proverbial wad on the comma rant. My wrists hurt (from typing).Ok, well shit. Story to follow in part 2. In the mean time, please be nice. Have a good day and do something fun today.

Contest:

There is a typo some where on my blog. If you can find it you win a prize. A real prize.

Rules:

1)This post doesn't count.
2)You must live in Austin to claim your prize.
c)First to post it in the comments section of this post wins.

Here's a picture of the best zoo in clever local town reference.


















If you like this blog, let me know by giving me my all-time favorite thing- an Amazon gift certificate. My email is krilov@gmail.com Click Here!

Happy New Year!

As everyone knows, it is required by the government to take a minimum of a one year break from blogging. There were times when I almost blogged, but I can't afford the jail time. Hell, I can't afford rent. rimshot.

Over my hiatus a lot has happened. But, I've forgotten nearly all of it.

My New Year Resolutions are to focus on my career and make better decision about my health. I used to eat fried chicken for breakfast and spit out the window instead of working. Okay, that's a lie. What are yours? I suggest you read this:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/12/setting-your-primary-focus/

and this:
myspace.com/PepperIslandFilms

and this:
http://brass612.tripod.com/cgi-bin/things.html

but not this:
http://fringe.davesource.com/Fringe/Explosives/pipebomb.txt

Okay kids, time to write a short script. Me, not you. Well, I guess you can too.